16 October 2005

Jesus Loves Everything

This just made my day! It's even better than the smoked salmon & cream cheese omelette I had for brunch at Café Select earlier on. And I like cream cheese.

Jesus Loves Everything is the new favourite site of Geoff and I, and it provided us with countless minutes of gut-wrenching joy as we explored the hobbies and interests of the writers' profiles, searched the internet for images of abortions, discussed via MSN the neurophysiological development of the foetus, and then went back to this favourite piece of internet pr0n cinema, known simply as braces.wmv. After perusing the site, apparently Jesus loves everything except all the sinners and evil fuckwads that don't hunt, convert, and attend mass regularly. And who don't write anti-abortion poetry.

Jesus Loves Everything is apparently run by:—
Nathaniel:
I am a good, born-again Christian man, who came to the Lord 12 years ago. I attend Church every Sunday and afterwards my friends and I go hunting -- if not for animals, then lost souls.

Interests: Praying, bible study, hunting, converting

Dr JD Parnell
I was born again in Christ when I was seven years old, during one of my mandatory bible lessons. I was recieving several repeated whippings for questioning my teachings. After that ordeal was over, and the blood was mopped up, I new I was saved. I learned never to question righteous Christian authority again.

Interests: Preaching, Ministering, Evangelisizing, Teaching, Judging, Punishing, Condemning, Excommunicating

Some highlights from this past month include:

The Jesus Loves Everything Superstore
Those of us that are not taken up to Heaven during the Rapture will be left behind to redeem ourselves in the eyes of the Lord. One of the many miseries we will have to face is the inability to trade without first getting the Mark of the Beast. It is important, then, to act now and establish a network Christian stores that can be taken underground when the Antichrist comes. So I propose that good Christians everywhere unite to start our very own Christian Wal-Mart…

Science Is Evil
What happened? How did we go from a small town country, where we waived to each other on the street, worshipped together, and didn't have to worry about our children being led into sin, into this cesspool? I think I've found the answer, and it lays in our daughters' breasts. Science. …

Exclusively Christian Public Schools
Children shall receive their daily lessons, pursuant to the strictest interpretations of the Bible. There will be a policy of zero tolerance for the questioning of one’s teachings, as this may well rise to the level of willful and premeditated blaspheme. The expression of independent thought or philosophy will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Laughing, joking, games of chance, speaking out of turn, stepping out of line, sleeping, slouching, horseplay, shenanigans, and all other forms of tomfoolery are strictly prohibited both in the schoolhouse and out on the schoolyard, and are not to be tolerated under any circumstances.

And then there is our favourite, Nathaniel's touching anti-abortion poem, "The Scraping," for you in its entirety cuz it's so freakin' awesome!—
Her belly is bursting,
and Satan is thirsting,
To the doctor she goes
for a scraping.

A scraping
A scraping
The fetus'
head is gaping.

Up on a wall,
symbol of our fall,
are babies in a jar,
products of a scraping.

A scraping
A scraping
The fetus'
head is gaping.

Imagine Jesus' sorrow
and pray for tomorrow,
that He withholds His wrath
for all of our scraping.

Our scraping
Our scraping
The fetuses'
heads are gaping.

I encourage everyone to send their support to Nathaniel and JD, as their work is important and I hope to see it continue. Perhaps in time it'll flourish, and with the End of Days imminent, Jesus will hire them into His marketing division. I know I'd love to apply for that job.

6 comments:

channel null said...

Jesus will hire them into His marketing division
Well, the Jesus Loves Everything Superstore needs a logomark, but maybe they can wait until after the rapture because I'm assuming the best designers must be damned vegetarian homosexuals who drive little hybrid cars, and they'll be in greater proportion after the Good Folk all disappear.

"The Scraping" is begging to be made into a "Christian" Death Metal song.

Fell said...

That is an awesome link. And speaking of Christian metal, funny enough, Zao is one of my favourite bands. Though, they're actually intelligent and talented…

Nathaniel said...

you guys are surely going to burn in hell for this blog. sarcasm is a tool of the devil, and your post about my holy-site is drenched in it as surely as you will be drenched in the noxious bile of the Devil when the end times come. I suggest you convert to Christ ASAP.

Des said...

Wow. Every day, I find something else about Christianity to remind me why I refuse to be a part of it, and it always leaves me with the question: just how stupid is the human race?

Kia said...

Um...do you think we'll be able to find Harry Potter books at the Jesus Loves Everything Superstore. After all, Jesus must love the Harry Potter series if he truly does love everything!

Fell said...

I'm still trying to figure out if they're serious or if its a well-executed farce. Either way, they tickle me.