Jesus Loves Everything is the new favourite site of Geoff and I, and it provided us with countless minutes of gut-wrenching joy as we explored the hobbies and interests of the writers' profiles, searched the internet for images of abortions, discussed via MSN the neurophysiological development of the foetus, and then went back to this favourite piece of internet pr0n cinema, known simply as braces.wmv. After perusing the site, apparently Jesus loves everything except all the sinners and evil fuckwads that don't hunt, convert, and attend mass regularly. And who don't write anti-abortion poetry.
Jesus Loves Everything is apparently run by:—
I am a good, born-again Christian man, who came to the Lord 12 years ago. I attend Church every Sunday and afterwards my friends and I go hunting -- if not for animals, then lost souls.
Interests: Praying, bible study, hunting, converting
Dr JD Parnell
I was born again in Christ when I was seven years old, during one of my mandatory bible lessons. I was recieving several repeated whippings for questioning my teachings. After that ordeal was over, and the blood was mopped up, I new I was saved. I learned never to question righteous Christian authority again.
Interests: Preaching, Ministering, Evangelisizing, Teaching, Judging, Punishing, Condemning, Excommunicating
Some highlights from this past month include:
The Jesus Loves Everything Superstore
Those of us that are not taken up to Heaven during the Rapture will be left behind to redeem ourselves in the eyes of the Lord. One of the many miseries we will have to face is the inability to trade without first getting the Mark of the Beast. It is important, then, to act now and establish a network Christian stores that can be taken underground when the Antichrist comes. So I propose that good Christians everywhere unite to start our very own Christian Wal-Mart…
Science Is Evil
What happened? How did we go from a small town country, where we waived to each other on the street, worshipped together, and didn't have to worry about our children being led into sin, into this cesspool? I think I've found the answer, and it lays in our daughters' breasts. Science. …
Exclusively Christian Public Schools
Children shall receive their daily lessons, pursuant to the strictest interpretations of the Bible. There will be a policy of zero tolerance for the questioning of one’s teachings, as this may well rise to the level of willful and premeditated blaspheme. The expression of independent thought or philosophy will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Laughing, joking, games of chance, speaking out of turn, stepping out of line, sleeping, slouching, horseplay, shenanigans, and all other forms of tomfoolery are strictly prohibited both in the schoolhouse and out on the schoolyard, and are not to be tolerated under any circumstances.
And then there is our favourite, Nathaniel's touching anti-abortion poem, "The Scraping," for you in its entirety cuz it's so freakin' awesome!—
Her belly is bursting,
and Satan is thirsting,
To the doctor she goes
for a scraping.
head is gaping.
Up on a wall,
symbol of our fall,
are babies in a jar,
products of a scraping.
head is gaping.
Imagine Jesus' sorrow
and pray for tomorrow,
that He withholds His wrath
for all of our scraping.
heads are gaping.
I encourage everyone to send their support to Nathaniel and JD, as their work is important and I hope to see it continue. Perhaps in time it'll flourish, and with the End of Days imminent, Jesus will hire them into His marketing division. I know I'd love to apply for that job.